In the last few weeks I have been sharing my thoughts on how we can gain healthy control in our lives.
The long and short is we have to own who we are, and not just the good. I share a story in Relax, It?s Just Life that was the beginning of that acceptance for me. In retrospect, I did not realize that owning who I was resulted in grieving. Nor did I realize that at the end of grieving was acceptance. In accepting who I was, I grew to understand that the triggers were being removed.
I recall as a young boy being weaker than most of my peers. Like many, I was the target of jokes and ridicule. I realized at a very young age that I was powerless and unable to control the actions of others. I was also powerless to change my physical stature, looks or personality to any great degree. I learned very young that mine were neither good nor acceptable qualities. I began seeking ways in which I could gain control, and prove that others could not win. In early adolescence I became a master of this. I had tried the route of acting tough and challenging with others, but found I could not be successful as their strength always won out. I learned to think, and spent many hours doing so daily. I would consider each move someone might make and come up with a counter move. I watched everyone and everything, and listened to every conversation. I catalogued information and kept it for use at an opportune time. I began to learn that proving my physical strength was pointless, so I would win with my head. This was my first taste of ownership of core beliefs and what that ownership could bring.
One day, my freshman year in high school when one of the jocks was hassling me. He had called me a name and I shot one back at him. The next thing I knew I was up against a locker being threatened. ?Take a swing pussy! You think you?re so tough. Let?s see what you got!?
Those are familiar words to many of you I am sure. My mind kicked into full gear, as I had prepared for times just like these.
?Why would I swing at you man? Let?s face it; you could kick my ass if you wanted,? I said. ?Of course if you are trying to impress everyone watching go ahead, except I think they know you could kick my ass too, so you wouldn?t be proving much I guess.?
The guy was enraged. I gave him permission and pointed out (without realizing at the time) that his attempt to prove he was a powerful man would inevitably end in his looking weak and pathetic. His fist pulled back and came toward me, past my head and into the locker. That was that.
Unfortunately, I did not have the self-awareness to realize the process I had gone through. I did not know what grief was or how it had led me to that point. The countless times I hid and cried, just wanting to disappear because I hated myself, my body and my life, had not crystallized into a moment of clarity and insight. I was surviving because I had to, and I grieved the loss related to my powerlessness and lack of masculine strength because I could not deny the reality of that area of my life.
I asked you to take an inventory and see what you came up with. If any of you did that, you will understand how grief begins. If not, do so and see if the stages of grief don?t rear their ugly head. (Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.)
If you see the stages begin, you will need to make a choice. Ride it out to acceptance, or fight it. Just know that you can fight it, but you will not come to a place of acceptance until you allow yourself to grieve. More importantly know that at the end is acceptance, and with that comes healthy control, and more importantly, peace.
For information regarding seminars, purchasing Relax, It?s Just Life and therapeutic services offered e-mail me at matson.warren@gmail.com.
Source: http://chicagophoenix.com/2013/01/19/recognize-the-stages-of-grief/
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